Interview with Memoirist Barbara McNally on The Writing of Unbridled: A Memoir
by Barbara McNally and Sheila Bender
Posted June 19, 2013

When otherwise good girl Barbara McNally is caught having an affair (for the second time), her marriage ends within weeks and with it, so does the image she created for her two teenaged girls and the man she married right out of college.

In her book Unbridled: A Memoir, Barbara (whose website is here) begins with details of that life and her realization that she acted out to find a way out, to leave behind what was inauthentic even if she was not yet quite brave enough to take the first step openly.

So, the story is not about divorce or about the yearning for romance. It is the story of travelling back to where Barbara’s ancestors were from and to revisiting her childhood in California and her parents’ present day situation to free herself to live fully, no longer silencing any of her female dimensions — mother, lover, fighter, sage. It is the story of mending fences with the most important women in the author’s life — her daughters and her mother. And it the story of helping women in difficult and painful situations.

We travel with the author to Ireland, where she explores her affinity with her recently deceased grandmother, a one-time burlesque performer and learn from Irish Wiccans, an Irish horsewomen and a nun as well as from a male falconer and from a proprietor of a bed and breakfast, which might have been one of her ancestor’s homes. We travel to a clothes optional Jamaican resort and to a school for girls that houses and educates young teens who have no families and were forced into prostitution and physically abusive situations. The steps the author takes to find herself and create a life meaningful to her is entertaining and inspiring. And the purpose of publishing this book is additionally inspiring — Barbara has created a nonprofit foundation dedicated to helping women. Right now in San Diego, the foundation is helping the wives of wounded warriors (our soldiers overseas) by offering spa days so they can enjoy themselves and be renewed amidst the full-time care most of them provide for their husbands. The foundation is also helping women for whom writing is a way of healing trauma by funding workshops in which formerly abused women learn to tell their stories.

In order to do this work, Barbara had to live herself into authentic being. As her publisher says on the book’s website:

There is no greater joy than the adventure of discovering who you really are and then living that life. This memoir tells the story of Barbara McNally’s impulsive liberation, how she got her wings and learned to fly. And, about her pursuit of being original, and open to the joy of expressing herself as a multidimensional woman.

To write her story, Barbara studied the craft and learned about editing, publishing and promoting books. I’ve been in touch with her throughout her process and have asked her to share some thoughts with Writing It Real members about memoir writing, book publishing and how writing makes a difference.

Sheila
When we met at Writers’ Ink in San Diego, you had enrolled in my seminar about revising. Where were you in your book writing at the time? Had you done other writing before the book project?

Barbara
I was four years into revisions! Before writing this book, I wrote in a journals, but I hid my writing in fear of who would find the journals.

Sheila
I know from reading your memoir that a therapist was instrumental in helping you focus on writing a book.

Barbara
In the book, I tell how a friend recommended I see a licensed counselor. I explain that I was very nervous about taking that step. Although my mother could understand my seeing a financial advisor and attorney during my divorce (even if she prayed I’d change my mind and stay married), she thought I was “sick” for going to a licensed counselor. A chunk of the book is about what happened for me in therapy, and I think readers will find the therapist’s advice and knowledge interesting. Like Dorothy in the Wizard of Oz, I met a wizard who asked the right questions and let me find the answers within myself. In therapy to pursue my inner journey, I was propelled to pursue my outer journey of travel. I realized that travel allowed me to continue my inner journey in new ways by examining the ideas of the people I met.

In many scenes, I show how I was learning that my longing for a sensual life is legitimate and important. Through therapy, I learned to accept that wanting a sensual life did not mean I had to have a secretive life. My therapist told me I had the ability to write a book that would help other women learn this, too, and learn that the dimensions of being a woman don’t have to stay hidden or be overpowered, one by another.

Sheila
When did you realize that you were experiencing four dimensions in women’s archetypes–the dimensions you call mother, lover, fighter, sage?

Barbara
I realized this as I travelled and I’ve written my story of discovery to help others discover these hidden dimensions. I am hoping that reading my book, they will travel along with me. Like Dorothy, I always had the red slippers. My tornado was the affair and the death of my marriage. This was what set me off on my journey to discover Oz. Like Dorothy, I meet the disempowered parts of myself: The scarecrow (the lover), the lion (fighter), and the tin man (sage). I meet a witch and a nun who nurture me like a mother. I begin to recognize and accept that I am not a one-sided person, but have various dimensions as a woman that I want to express. I didn’t want to be pinned into being one OR the other but ALL. These four images are archetypal shadow symbols of womanhood that are universal throughout time. They just get called different names. Unbridled is my story of coming out of the closet in terms of who I am and what I want: to be the hero of my own story and find a purposeful, meaningful life.

Sheila
I admire your energy and ambition and fortitude! When I met you in the class at Writers’ Ink, how far into the writing process were you?

Barbara
When I decided my goal was to publish, I decided to write, right! I had taken many classes and joined writing groups and revised my manuscript four times.

Sheila
A lot of new writers don’t realize the work that goes into preparing a manuscript and how important revisions are. What did you learn from revising four times and what did you think your manuscript still needed?

Barbara
Writing can seem easy, but attempting to do it well is hard, hard work. As I revised, I always found room for improvement. I am happy with the way, in its final form, the memoir reads more like a novel than I could have anticipated when I started writing. You helped me in shaping the story to bring depth, richness and a call to action!

Sheila
It was a pleasure to work with you as a developmental editor. The story was there, but some strong threads needed developing so readers didn’t lose track of important people in your life, like your two daughters. It was exciting to see the way you filled in details about your girls that allow the reader to see you as a mother and ultimately as a wise female friend to them.

Your grandmother was that kind of wise friend to you. She is a central figure in your journey to find a way to live authentically. When in the process of writing your book did you realize your grandmother would be a central figure?

Barbara
When I was going through old photos with my mother after my grandmother died, I came across naked photos of her posing burlesque style in her 70s! I didn’t want to wait until I died for people to find my manuscript. So even after she died, Grandma Pat inspired me. I wasn’t going to hide who I am! Writing memoir is one step in that journey.

Sheila
I know that one of the challenges you faced as you approached publication was how to handle having written about family members and your ex-husband. Can you describe your concerns about the work going out into the world with information about your life as a mother, daughter, wife?

Barbara
It’s therapeutic to place it all out there for the first few drafts, but as I wrote I started to consider how those I was including in my story would react. I was clear that my conscious intent was not to blame or trash others. If anybody looks bad it’s me, especially in the beginning of my book. Nevertheless, I felt I had a genuine need to tell my story in my words rather than have it told for me, and my family is an obvious part of my story.

So, when it came down to publication, I did consult with an attorney to make sure I was not exposing myself to a libel suit.

Luckily, my ex has moved on with his life. He’s remarried and seems content without a need to look back or be concerned with what I’m doing with my life. I totally understand and actually appreciate that.

My mother is older and more set in her ways. Appearance was and is utmost to her. My mother and I have a healthy relationship because we accept each other’s differences. Some things just don’t get talked about and that’s OK now.

I have two daughters each with their own unique personalities and busy professional and personal lives. I’m very proud of both of them. The older of the two is more accepting of me sharing my story publically. The younger one would probably be content if I had kept the “journal in the drawer” and just been mom. I understand that, as the book involves infidelity, one night stands, bisexualism, smoking pot, abortion, and controversial encounters with witches and nuns. The bottom line is that the three of us can talk and be REAL with each other and drop the pretense. My daughters know where I’m coming from and I accept who they are and who they are becoming.

Sheila
The book is garnering very good reviews. You post them on your blog Mother, Lover, Fighter, Sage. I have enjoyed reading them. Here is one of my favorites among the many posted on your blog. How does it feel when you see these?

Barbara
The biggest surprise to me is the various ways people connect with my story. Some find the book a fun read. Others tell me they want to take more risks in life; still others relate to the mother-daughter conflicts, and others thank me for exposing the difficulty in finding novelty in a monogamous relationship. Some relate to the religious and sexual conflicts. The privilege of a lifetime is being who I am and being able to share that story with others.

Sheila
And how does it feel to have a foundation that is supporting women in living their dimensions as sages, lovers, mothers and warriors? Is it as much work as writing a book?

Barbara
Helping women write their stories and become empowered in their own lives adds joy to my life. I love living out all my passions, living unbridled and giving back.

If you go to my website, you can view the free events I am sponsoring for women. One of them is an evening of your instruction. The October 28th event is free and open to all women. I am glad you can make it to San Diego this October.

Sheila
I am very much looking forward to that evening

What is the best part of this new life you have created by writing your memoir?

Barbara
Now I have a voice. In my marriage, I didn’t have a voice. Now I have a website, a foundation, a blog and speaking engagements. My book is my calling card to speak on religion, sex, feminism and personal growth. I’m living a richer, fuller life, even if I may not get rich on the book!

Working with others, including publicists, is always rewarding. I learn new ideas, concepts and better ways to present what I am trying to say. Finding individuals with expertise in fields where I’m limited is smart. I don’t try to be everything or know everything. I like to connect with people who know more than I do and are willing to teach me.

You helped me bring depth to my writing and story and found blind spots where I had to dig in and do more writing. I also appreciated your expertise with describing scenes, so readers feel like they are on the journey with me.

Jenifer Thompson at Monkeycmedia really was ingenious with the cover. They say you can’t judge a book by the cover, but people do!

Connecting and learning. It’s part of who I am and a big part of what I love. I hope to hear Writing It Real members’ feedback on the book and its cover. My listing on Amazon uses the “look inside” feature and there is a sample on Google Books. I hope reading bits will whet appetites. And I hope readers will let me know what they think of the book excerpt you will post next week. It’s easy — my website has a contact form.

Sheila
I am sure this interview will be helpful to many who are interested in publishing their stories to help others. And, of course, we have room for comments right here at the end of the article.

Thank you for your permission to reprint an excerpt from Unbridled next week. Many good wishes for the work of your foundation and for the women you help, Barbara. Writing does make a difference.

Knowing that each purchase of Unbridled supports an important cause makes me happy as a writer and a reader. I encourage people to add their reviews of the book on Amazon’s page.