When Writing It Real contributor Joni Cole sent me a review copy of her new collection of essays Another Bad-Dog Book: Tales of Life, Love, and Neurotic Human Behavior, I was excited to get started reading. The book proved both funny, sometimes sidesplitting so, and poignant, especially when she writes about her elderly father. This week we are posting an excerpt from the opening, which includes a side-trip sort of essay in which the author imagines her life as a Vermont woman of superpowers. We’ll soon be posting an interview with Joni so you’ll learn more of the background to her book and more about her writing career.

The following essay is excerpted from the title essay in Joni Cole’s new collection, Another Bad-Dog Book, ©Joni Cole 2011.

The Adventures of Super Joni!
(And Her Amazing Dog E-Pie-Pie)

Part One: The Daring Rescue

Super Joni was naturally blond, blue-eyed, and remarkably youthful for her age. By day, she was self-actualized. By night, she never succumbed to sugar cravings, or watched Netflix for hours on end. Super Joni lived a life of quiet domesticity in an old house (old in a good way) with her husband and two daughters. But she was also one of the most famous people in the world. In fact, she was a royal!

Ping!

One day, an urgent message popped up on Super Joni’s electronic hotline, which she checked compulsively in case someone, anyone, needed her. A little disheveled dog with nine bad teeth and saucer eyes was in trouble  at the animal shelter!

Super Joni applied some makeup (even though she really didn’t need any), slid on her skinny jeans, which were never too tight, whipped up a nourishing casserole for her family’s dinner that night, and was out the door in less than five minutes.

“Super Joni to the rescue!” cried the royal watchers who followed her every move, but always kept a respectable distance. Super Joni waved to her adoring public as she sped away in her Prius. (Not only was she a champion of homeless dogs, but of the environment, too!)

Just in the knick of time, Super Joni arrived at the animal shelter. An Evil Rescue-Dog Volunteer was about to hand over the little, disheveled dog to an unsuitable family with a toddler. The toddler’s dimpled hands clenched and unclenched in anticipation of playing too rough.

“Stop!” Super Joni commanded. “The little, disheveled dog stays with me!”

“You’re too late!” The Evil Rescue-Dog Volunteer brandished a completed adoption application. “Our policy is first come, first served!” But even before Super Joni had developed super powers, she had never been afraid to cut in line.

Jab! Jab! Zumba!

With a mix of high cardio kickboxing and Latin dance moves, Super Joni overpowered the Evil Rescue-Dog Volunteer (and burned 1,429 calories in the process). Quickly, she locked the woman in a dog crate with a very bad beagle who promptly ate the completed application.

“You’ll never get away with this!” cried the Evil Rescue-Dog Volunteer. “I’ll have my revenge.”

But Super Joni was not to be intimidated. She gave the unsuitable family with the toddler a pit bull mix, and sent them on their way. Then she picked up the little, disheveled dog and cuddled him.

“From now on, your name shall be E-Pie-Pie,” she said softly. The dog’s pointy ears perked up; his saucer eyes brimmed with love and gratitude. Already, Super Joni knew that he loved her unconditionally, just like all of her friends and family.

Part 2: Nowhere to Hide

It was late at night. Super Joni’s husband and two daughters were sound asleep in their beds by the time she stumbled home from a party. E-Pie-Pie greeted her happily and off they went to the kitchen to reheat some pizza. The house was quiet, too quiet, or maybe Super Joni just wanted some action.

A strange noise sounded at the front door. Look there! Super Joni peeked through the glass. A suspicious looking mini-van sat parked across the darkened street. It must belong to the Evil Rescue-Dog Volunteer! Who else would drive such a gas guzzler! And given the van comfortably seated seven, she likely had brought accomplices.

Super Joni knew she needed to hide E-Pie-Pie, and fast!

Bam. Crash. Clunk.

Super Joni emptied a hall closet stuffed with products as seen on TV—Bacon Genies, Snuggies, Ronco Rotisseries. There was that Abdominal Cruncher she’d bought for her husband on his birthday! Once cleared of years’ worth of accumulated junk, the back of the closet revealed a secret hideaway, rumored to have once been used to shelter runaway slaves.

Super Joni placed E-Pie-Pie and his fleece pillow in the hideaway. My goodness, she thought, barely squeezing out of the tiny enclosure. Either people were a lot smaller in the old days, or the previous owners had lied about this house being part of the Underground Railroad.

Footsteps sounded in the next room! Quickly, Super Joni flicked off the lights, and waited to make her move.

“Ouch! What the #%?!!…?”

The lights flicked back on. Super Joni’s husband stood in the hallway, rubbing his big toe, which he had stubbed on the Ab Cruncher. He surveyed the junk-strewn hallway. Given how Super Joni and her husband had been married for a very, very long time, she knew exactly what he must be thinking—Yay! My Ab Cruncher. Now I can start doing sit-ups again!

Scratch. Scratch. Itch.

Oh no! If E-Pie-Pie didn’t stop scratching, his hiding spot was sure to be discovered! Super Joni’s husband looked at the small door inside the emptied closet, then back to Super Joni. “I don’t suppose you want to tell me,” he shook his head and sighed, “why you’ve stuck the dog in the slave hideaway?”

And that’s when Super Joni knew, no matter how carefully she might try to hide E-Pie-Pie from the Evil Rescue-Dog Volunteer, he would never be safe in this house.

Outside, a sliver of moon silhouetted the mini van still parked across the street. Super Joni retrieved her super-powered eyeglasses and surveilled it through the window. On second thought, she realized, she had seen this van before. Maybe it belonged to the royal watchers . . .or the neighbors, who owned one just like it?

At the door, the strange noise sounded again! Joni flung it open, and in sauntered Milo the cat.

Part 3: On the Lam! And Other Life Lessons

For E-Pie-Pie, life on the lam meant freedom from the Evil Rescue-Dog Volunteer. For Super Joni, it meant travel, adventure, romance, and room service. Back home, her family completely understood that this escape from quiet domesticity was simply in response to a crisis, and in no way a reflection on them.

One afternoon, Super Joni and E-Pie-Pie were getting haircuts and blueberry facials at a five-star hotel spa in Aspen or Oslo or Luanda. Anyway, it was one of those places where no ordinary person could afford to live, but Super Joni was no ordinary person.

? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? (Theme to Swan Lake)

Suddenly, the ringtone sounded on Super Joni’s mobile hotline. She read the caller ID: Evil Rescue-Dog Volunteer.

“How did you get this number?!” Super Joni demanded.

“I’ve kidnapped your entire family,” the Evil Rescue-Dog Volunteer exclaimed. “Bring me the little, disheveled dog or else.”

Super Joni wasn’t born yesterday. “My entire family?” She laughed without mirth. “I doubt you’d last five minutes in a room with all my relatives.”

“Bring me the dog,” repeated the Evil Rescue-Dog Volunteer, “or you’ll never see your precious husband and daughters again!”

Faster than you can say “freebies,” Super Joni snatched all the amenities in her hotel suite, including the plush robes. As she and E-Pie-Pie raced home in the Prius, she reflected on her life on the lam. It had been good—no, great—while it lasted, but now that she was in danger of losing her family, nothing seemed to matter but seeing them again!

The Prius silently coasted into the animal shelter parking lot. Super Joni watched and waited. Suddenly, the very bad beagle bolted out the door, while the Evil Rescue-Dog Volunteer struggled to hold onto his leash. The woman’s furtive glances confirmed that either she was hiding something (or someone!) nearby, or she wasn’t planning to clean up after her dog.

Super Joni waited until the very bad beagle had dashed around the corner then hurried into the shelter. But before she could find her family, the Evil Rescue-Dog Volunteer had returned!

Bark! Howl! Thud!

The very bad beagle, excited to see a visitor, greeted Super Joni by knocking her backwards with his muddy paws. She fell and bumped her head hard on a Kong Extreme. The next thing she knew, she was seeing stars. The Evil Rescue-Dog Volunteer, seeing her chance, seized the indestructible chew toy and raised her arm to strike a deadly blow . . .

“Yip! Yip! Yap!“

Like a rabid Chihuahua Bat, E-Pie-Pie flew into the room. He nipped at the Evil Rescue-Dog Volunteer’s heels and elbows. The very bad beagle started chasing him, thinking it was a game. Then a yellow Lab loped into the room, followed by another dog, and another . . . All the bad dogs had chewed through their kennels!

To escape the mayhem, the Evil Rescue-Dog Volunteer locked herself into a dog crate and called the police to come get her. Meanwhile, E-Pie-Pie sniffed out his family in a back room, and pawed open the door. Once freed, Super Joni’s husband and daughters gathered around her, tearfully begging her not to die like all those mothers in Disney movies.

Satisfied with this outpouring of love and attention, Super Joni returned to her senses. Now, more than ever, she understood the value of commitment and what it really meant to be a family. As Super Joni and her family hugged, E-Pie-Pie wreaked havoc and frolicked with all the other dogs. Never before, thought Super Joni, had she witnessed anything so heartwarming and hilarious.

Outside, the royal watchers waved and cheered! Now this, they thought, would make a good story!

The End