Always Too Soon: Voices of Support For Those Who Have Lost Both Parents is a collection of intimate interviews about the journey traveled by those whose parents have both died. Some of the book’s contributors are famous (Rosanne Cash, Ice-T, Geraldine Ferraro, Mariel Hemingway) and others are not, but all have important perceptions to share regarding their experience, and these insights help others grieve and adjust after their parents are gone.

 Journalist Allison Gilbert created this book when she recognized her need to have her own questions answered in a culture that didn’t generally address questions about grief and loss, especially when the losses are the parents of grown children. She writes in her introduction:

My first parentless Thanksgiving came two months after my father died. My husband, eighteen-month-old son, and I went to my brother’s to spend the weekend with his family. Despite the smile I wore, the celebration was doomed before it started. I was thirty-one, and both my parents were gone. I didn’t feel old enough to be responsible for Thanksgiving. I was no longer somebody’s child going home for the holidays. Overnight, I had become a parentless parent, feeling, as a young mother, solely responsible for my son’s experience of Thanksgiving. I felt overwhelmed, and despite my husband and brother’s support, utterly alone. It has taken considerable time and effort for me to put the loss of my parents into perspective. A few months after my father died, when I was hurting the most, I went to the bookstore to find a book that would help me process what I was feeling. I found nothing to which I could relate. There were books about losing your mom or losing your dad, but most books about losing both parents, it seemed, were written by clinicians. I wanted to read about how real people coped with this pain. I wanted a book to reassure me that I wasn’t the only person so profoundly unsettled by the deaths of my parents.

Sheila How old were you when your parents died?

Allison I was twenty-five when my mother passed away from ovarian cancer, and I was thirty-one when my father succumbed to lung cancer.

There was something unmistakably different about the experience of losing my second parent. Suddenly, despite being married and having a brother, I felt very much alone. My connection to my childhood was gone. The two people who had always been my greatest champion, the two people who were always there to offer me advice and guidance, were gone.

I felt there was this societal expectation that I should be “fine” within a few weeks of each of their deaths. But I found that I had this unshakable sadness. Ultimately, I started researching and writing Always Too Soon because I was certain I couldn’t be the only person so unsettled by the deaths of her parents.

I wanted to write a book about how real people coped with these same loses. I wanted each person I interviewed to share the lessons, the things they learned that got them through their grief — and enabled them to come out the other side stronger.

Sheila You’ve said that not having others to talk to who understood your feelings of grief when you became parentless was very difficult. How did this book help you get what you needed?

Allison Writing this book has been a transformative experience for me. Before I began researching the book, I felt very few people (even my husband!) understood just how impacted I was by not having my parents anymore. When my mother died, I wasn’t even married yet, and five years later when my father passed away, my six-year-old son, Jake, was just a baby. I was a parentless parent. I had a lot of questions. How do I balance my career and have a family? How do I change a diaper? How did they get me to sleep through the night? I needed my parents’ help! And, many of the people interviewed found themselves in similar situations. Almost everyone I interviewed was equally challenged by keeping family traditions going, especially during the holidays. So, by beginning Always Too Soon, I quickly realized I wasn’t alone. And I found great comfort in that.

It also seemed that after my parents died everything shifted in my life; my perspective on career, my outlook on family. Certainly, my parents’ deaths altered my priorities. I knew, perhaps more than my friends, that life can be very short. What did I really want to do with my life? I knew I wanted to spend more time with my children and I began seeking work that would allow me the flexibility to work part-time. I had been a television news producer and the work was tremendously rewarding, but very demanding of my time. I would constantly get calls — and be called into work — on my days off. I was tethered to the office. Is this how I wanted to spend my life? So, I created job-shares in order to spend more time at home. A few years later, I found I still needed more balance in my life. And that’s when I developed my new career as a writer. With writing, I could still interview wonderful, interesting people, like I did in television. I could also still travel and make important, gratifying conversations happen. But I could do a lot of it from home, around my children’s schedules.

Writing also became a lot more important to me after my parents died because books offer permanence. They also offer the opportunity to be reflective. Your thoughts, and the issues you feel are important, sit on a shelf and can be read and re-read through generations. Could I have been starting to worry about my own legacy? Yes, I think so.

Sheila A lot of us could use your confidence concerning writing as a career! This is the second book you’ve done. Your first one is called Covering Catastrophe: Broadcast Journalists Report September 11. I know that you’ve said that for both books, you emulated the way that Studs Terkel approached his work. What aspects of his approach did you emulate?

Allison First, I adore the work of Studs Terkel. He’s a legend. He’s a master at getting real people to talk about real issues. Like Terkel, I think the best way to understand someone else’s experience is to filter out the person asking the questions. In his books, Working, Race, The Good War, for example, Terkel is largely absent from the work. The reader only “hears” from him when he writes a brief introduction to each person he interviewed. After that, he’s gone. Each person is allowed to speak for himself. He edits and writes what someone told him in that person’s own words. I too believe that the answers to my questions are more important than the questions themselves. I also like to leave voices whole and not break them apart by using the standard Q & A format. That said, for readers who are interested in the questions I asked during the interviews I did for Always Too Soon, I included them in the Appendix. Of course, it’s a list of only the basic questions. In actuality, I asked many more questions based on the flow of the interview and each person’s individual story.

Sheila Oh, I see that you didn’t just collect the essays but actually “ghost wrote” them. What an achievement! What prepared you for being able to do this?

Allison My job would have been much easier, actually, if I simply regurgitated what each person told me, in the order in which the interview unfolded. But, in truth, my work was much more difficult than that. I needed to create compelling narratives based completely on these interviews — and nothing else. The chapters had to be as compelling as fiction. They each had to have a distinct beginning, middle and end and each had to have a unique tone that separated it from every other chapter in the book. I had to write them so they would flow, so that they would have the proper pacing. They are written to excite the reader, to draw him in. But in so doing, nothing could be made-up or embellished. I had to stick only with the words I was given. The person’s true voice could not be altered.

Specifically, each interview took between two and three hours to conduct and I recorded each and every one. It was important that when I did the actual writing, I could go back and listen to the raw tapes as often as I needed. I also took the tapes of each interview to a transcription company. Each interview would result in between 100-300 pages of raw, unedited Q & A. Nothing was edited out. All of the “ums” and “ahhs” and “hmmms” remained. Also peppering the transcripts were the words “SNEEZE,” “COUGH,” and “PAUSE.” I had to navigate my way around these minefields and truly excavate what was the most important part of each conversation.

One of the most challenging parts, to be sure, is that people do not speak in a linear fashion. Perhaps they said something in the beginning of the interview and an hour later — like we all do — they remembered something else. I’d have to marry these thoughts together and make sure that when I did, I wasn’t changing the context of what was being said. That was very important to me; I never took liberty with anyone’s words. What they said is what they said. My job was structuring every person’s words into a sequence that was both intimate and revealing — but truly their own.

Sheila I know that all the interviews you did were valuable, and I am sure at some times particular passages from your contributors must float up. Are there any that seem to stay in mind as you present the book to audiences and help you as you involve them in the material?

Allison That’s like asking a mother to pick her favorite child! Every chapter, and every person I interviewed — whether famous or not — is in the book for a reason. Some contributors may have lost their parents when they were young, many others were older. Some had good relationships with their parents; others had very difficult, strained ones. Some contributors lost their parents suddenly, others over a long period of time. It was important to me that every chapter be distinct and that each person have a unique story to tell. Each person I interviewed reacted to the death of their parents differently and the lessons they learned along the way may help readers heal as well. In that way, people can take away bits and pieces from each chapter and apply what they read to their own lives. Ultimately, and because of that, the book is very empowering.

Sheila Still, as editors there are always memorable passages, moments in the work that kept us going in the project. Can you share one or two such lines or passages?

Allison My interview with Dennis Franz, the actor who played Detective Andy Sipowicz on NYPD Blue, stands out the most. During our conversation he told me something that, at the time, I found a little odd. He said of his parents, “I’m so glad that I miss them.” I asked him what he meant by that — and his answer to that follow-up question is now one of my favorite quotes in the book: “Because if I didn’t, it would mean that they didn’t have as much of an impact on my life as they do.” That means everything to me. I replay his words in my head whenever I am feeling sad about my parents not being in my life anymore. It reminds me that, even though I miss my parents terribly, I am lucky to have had them in my life as long as I did.

Sheila Did having such an emotional topic make it hard to do the interviews?

Allison Actually, I didn’t find them difficult to do. I was well prepared and well researched for every interview and the person I was speaking with, of course, had a lot of time think about what I’d be asking them. They didn’t have the questions before hand, but they knew the sensitive and very personal subject matter. What also made the interviews easier to conduct is that I had a lot in common with everyone I interviewed. We shared this bond; we had this common connection, even before I turned the tape recorder on. I think because I had also lost my parents it was much easier for me to ask others to talk about their private experiences. It gave me credibility.

Sheila After you had it together, how did you go about finding a publisher for your book?

Allison My agent had a terrible time selling this project. The reaction she received from publishers was that the grief market is just too small, and that my specific subject matter would make that potential audience even smaller. In their estimation, it was hard enough to sell a book on grief, let alone a book that’s specifically about losing both parents. We kept trying. I think we had three mailings that went out to dozens of publishers, and all of them said “no.” I would not give up. I knew this would make a great book and help a lot of people. It was the book I had wanted to read — but didn’t exist — when my parents passed away. Then, won’t you know, a friend of a friend put me in touch with Jill Rothenberg, the editor who ended up buying my book at Seal Press. From then on, Jill and I hashed out the editorial details and my agent handled the rest.

I am happy to report that I could not have asked for a publisher that was a better fit. Jill and everyone at Seal were completely behind the project from the very beginning. I felt very much supported and that they truly valued the project. That’s a good feeling to have when you’re a writer, because so much of what we do is solitary. I liked having a cheering section.

Sheila Do you think it has taken a toll on you to have done two projects now that focus on loss?

Allison Actually, to the contrary, working on Always Too Soon has been an incredible experience. I have been able to provide a forum for real people to discuss their real feelings about some very real pain. I found working on Covering Catastrophe: Broadcast Journalists Report September 11, to also be quite cathartic. At the time, it was just weeks after 9/11, and I was having a lot of trouble dealing with everything I heard and saw that horrible day. I had been working as a producer for WNBC-TV in New York and was buried under rubble and taken by ambulance to Bellevue Hospital. Doctors put tubes down my throat because I couldn’t breathe; I had too much debris in my lungs. I had post-traumatic stress. I was advised by a dear friend to write down everything that happened to me that day — in order to purge it from my system. I did. And it helped. It was the act of writing (for me a form of verbal diarrhea) that helped me heal the most. And that is why I actually began Covering Catastrophe in the first place. I felt other journalists could also benefit from talking it out — expressing their feelings, their fears, of what they also saw that day.

Sheila Oh, my, Allison. I had no idea that you suffered in the aftermath of that day! I can see that you really understand the precariousness of our lives and are invested in fulfilling your goals.

What advice do you have for those who think they might put together a book made of interviews on a topic they are interested in?

Allison My advice would be different from my agent’s advice. I’d say, if you believe in your topic enough, “Go for it!” Nothing should stop you. I’d warn writers, though, that this kind of project will take a lot longer than you expect. When you do a collection, an anthology, you are dealing with a lot of logistics. It’s not just your timetable. Your project may be delayed because scheduling interviews with so many different people is difficult. Another word of caution I’d have: pick the people you interview very carefully. Your book will only be as good as the interviews in it.

My current agent would say don’t do it — that it’s not worth the incredible amount of time spent. He would also say that publishers don’t pay enough for collections and that putting them together is not the work of serious writers. He feels they don’t gain the author enough recognition.

Sheila Any advice so far on facing live audiences?

Allison My advice is to enjoy every single second of it. You worked hard on your project — probably doing most of the work by yourself, tucked away in solitude. Now is the time to get out there. Meet people. Hear what they like — and to be honest — don’t like about your work. You can also learn a lot. Really listen to the questions asked of you. Remember them long after you go home. The insights you gather from readers are invaluable and could help fine tune your next project. Personally, I adore facing live audiences. I enjoy hearing, smelling and tasting that my book is making an impact, that it’s resonating with readers. Isn’t that what we all want? To have our books be meaningful to others?

Sheila What is your hope for the book and its readers?

Allison My hope for readers is that each and every one feels less alone after reading the book. I think there is great value in sharing your feelings and giving voice to what hurts. That’s why I think support groups are so popular and valuable. But sometimes support groups are hard to attend because they’re located far from our homes or because our schedules don’t permit making the commitment. So, I am hoping Always Too Soon will serve as a literary support group. You can read each story, and take away whatever bits apply to your life and your circumstances. As grief counselor and author Lois F. Akner, CSW, says in the beginning of the book:

Take this book and treat it like a friend. Spend time with the people in it; you can read it in private, reread it, cry, remember, mourn, wrap yourself in your own memories triggered by something someone else has expressed. You will undoubtedly continue to find comfort in the lives, courage, and determination of the people you meet in this book long after you have put it down.

My hope for the book is that it stays in print forever and will continue to be a resource for anyone who needs it.

Sheila Do you have another book project in mind?

Allison Yes, but my lips are sealed. At least for now.

Sheila Thanks for your descriptions of your process. I hope to hear about that next book soon!

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It is always inspiring to hear from those who take their personal experience, including loss, grief, fear, and helplessness, and create work that has meaning for many others. The commitment required is enormous. Allison’s belief in her project is a good model for any of us who are writing from personal experience or creating book projects because of our own need for information that we are not finding on the shelves.