[We continue this week with more sage advice from a talented memoir author and psychotherapist who has guided many in writing their life stories. We think you will make good use of her idea for moving ahead even when your material seems too difficult. –Ed.] 

When we write memoir, we try to capture real life as it was lived. This means that we encounter the happier, lighter, side of life as well as the darker stories that are part of the human experience. I’ve noticed in my work with memoir writers that they need to be wary of getting lost in the “darker stories” that may arise. In my book The Power of Memoir I devote an entire chapter to techniques that help writers work with all aspects of their stories, form the happier moments, which of course are easier to write, to the more challenging times in their lives. During my workshops, we discuss how to keep writing even though some of our true stories cast a shadow on our present lives and tempt us to lose perspective about the whole range of life’s experiences. When the more intense stories come up, we can forget to see ourselves and our lives fully in the round, with the positive and negative, the light and darker moments that are part of everyone’s lives.

Research has shown that writing positive stories is as healing as writing about bad memories, but I’ve observed major psychological and spiritual transformations when writers dig in to find deeper levels of insight regarding certain stuck places in their emotional lives. We all want to avoid unnecessary pain, yet healing comes from balancing our system and not staying trapped in the past. Our fears, anger, jealousy, insecurity, and hurt are real, but they have a way of interfering with having a sense of peace, forgiveness of self and others, and can dilute the juicy energy of creativity.

I think we all need to keep in mind ways to find balance for our emotional selves whether we are writing in our journal or writing a memoir. Research has shown that delving too frequently into painful stories can trigger Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome and depression, so while we want to write to release what is blocked or to find more understanding, it’s important to be aware of signs of “too much” introspection.

My students have found value in the “Dark and Light Stories” technique. I urge them to weave back and forth between the dark and the lighter stories to create balance and recover from the heaviness of writing painful stories. The path of emotional healing is like cleaning out an old wound: it hurts while we are cleaning it out but we feel better afterward. And, we need to take time to recover.

We need to assess our own personalities: for instance, are you the kind of person who glides over painful subjects and loses balance by having a “Pollyanna” attitude? If that describes you, then you will find balance by going deeper into the stories and memories that you explore. No one had a perfect life, and if you feel you have “nothing to write about,” perhaps you are avoiding important topics.

However, if you are the kind of person who thinks a lot about what went wrong, all the sad and unhappy things in your life or that of your family, you might need to find your balance by making lists of the happier events in your life, the times that you felt better, the moments of grace and blessing. Even those who have been abused are able to find times of joy.

One of my students insisted that she had about half a page of “happy” stories, and was angry that I wanted her to find more. She came in the next week laughing. She’d found many happy moments as she worked on her list and challenged the view she’d always carried about her life. I asked her to make a list for each year of her life of the funny, humorous, ironic, and downright silly moments, and she found them. Afterward, she felt grateful that I insisted on her completing the assignment, and much of her memoir was humorous.

To help bring balance by healing the darker moments:

• Make a list of the dark topics or stories that you suspect are important, but you aren’t ready to write.
• List them by title or theme.
• Write down the age you were when these difficult times happened.
• Write down what you did to cope with the event at the time. How do you feel now about the incident?
• What would you have liked to happen differently?
• Place these stories on a timeline so you can get a perspective on the clustering of events.

Now, make a list of the light stories, stories that bring you a feeling of well-being, happiness, contentment, and safety. These may include memories about love, spiritual experiences, and miracles. Stand fully in the light of the positive stories and feel them in your body. Hold the images of the positive stories while you consider the dark stories list. This technique helps to integrate the polarities of our psyche.

The reader needs relief too, as most readers will put a book down if there are uninterrupted dark stories. I alternated dark and light chapters in my memoir Don’t Call Me Mother so the reader could enjoy moments of lightness and joy while also discovering the story of abandonment and loss that weaves through the book. I brought the reader to an emotionally resolved ending that had forgiveness and healing.

The power of writing a memoir is that the truth really does make you free. Claiming the freedom to express yourself freely and fully can release you from the darker aspects of the story you have lived, and allows you to move forward with grace and forgiveness. In the process, you may find elements of peace, resolution, and happiness that change your life. Keep writing through the layers of your story to discover your new pathways and transformational moments.

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To listen to a radio interview with Linda Joy Myers click here.