So often as writers we know we have captured something in our drafts and have brought the work as far as we can at the moment, but sometimes we miss seeing what our writing is leading us toward. That’s when we need an outside reader who can help us identify the core energy in our work. I set up the recent No-Contest Contests with this in mind.

All entrants received my response to drafts and were encouraged to then send in a revision for our guest judge to read. It was with delight that I sent Gloria Orlando Ives my response the first draft of her poem “I Know This.” It was with further delight that I read her revision “The Cheetah The Spider and Me,” the work Anna Quinn selected as one of three contest winners in our winter 2010 contest.

Following are the first version, my comments, the revised version and some notes from Gloria on how she used the contest prompt to begin a new piece of writing. As you may remember, this contest encouraged starting with a freewrite inspired by words overheard in conversation, spoken on television or radio or read in print.

 Gloria reported that she wrote in response to these words: “Whether our kids have developmental delays, social insecurities, physical handicaps, or stubborn streaks, we mothers are the ones who know how to best help them…” –Page 114, A Mothers Book of Secrets

I Know This

I know that sitting down
Looking into your child’s eyes
When you nurse him
Is a connection that’s different
From the connection of a father and child.

But I challenge my sense of knowing
All too often

I don’t say what’s in my gut
As I know it.

When I’m challenged
I discount what I know
And I know
That what they want
Is a guardrail
In case they run off course

Something they can crash into.
Something that will keep them
From going directly into the woods.

Something that will redirect them.
Maybe abruptly
Maybe just enough
To prevent a fender bender.

I realized a few years ago
That I was screaming
But nothing was coming out

That I had essays that were due
But not begun

And then everything changed

My alarm clock’s ringing
It’s time to wake up
To turn that inside out
Into a productive, purposeful piece of Art.

Last night I dreamed
There was a Cheetah
In the tree outside
My kitchen window

And then it came
Inside my house

I wanted to be
A big Cat Trainer
As A Child.

And Now
there’s a Cheetah
Right inside my house.

****

I emailed Gloria with my thoughts and feelings upon reading her new poem:

Dear Gloria,

I enjoyed your poem written in response to a very rich quote. I especially like the stanzas about the Cheetah–so unexpected, so energetic, and so transformational –the dream Cheetah is inside your house now. The energy to unleash your gifts is too!

Last night I dreamed
There was a Cheetah
In the tree outside
My kitchen window

And then it came
Inside my house

I wanted to be
A big Cat Trainer
As A Child.

And Now
there’s a Cheetah
Right inside my house.

It seems to me this poem might be wanting to go on from here to show what being a big cat trainer meant to the poet as a child. There are most likely great images to use to show what the child imagined. And, of course, I’m sure they’ll turn out to be metaphors for having abilities and dreams to achieve.

I wonder if in the poem, the poet could introduce her own child after the description of having wanted to be a cat trainer. She could convey what the child looks like and the way the poet wonders what his/her dreams will be.

I think the line “Right inside my house” could be repeated along the way in the poem. It’s a line that lends great energy.

The poem itself will illustrate the quote–the mother’s night dream, what she felt like as a child with dreams to be a big cat trainer, what it means to her to look at her own child whose dreams she will probably come to know.

Yours,

Sheila

****

Gloria sent in her revision:

The Cheetah The Spider and Me

Last night I dreamed
There was a cheetah
In the tree
Right outside my house

And then all of a sudden
She was coming inside

Right inside my house

Leaping through the open window
Knocking over my bottled-up bliss

I wanted to be
A Big Cat Trainer as a child
Back when I used to dream of spiders
And awaken afraid

Someone told me
To strike them with a red hot poker
And they’d leave my dreams

But now
There’s a cheetah in my house
Right inside my house

Maybe it’s because
I watched so much Wild Kingdom as a child
Or because so many domestic cats
Followed me home

But

What are the odds
You’ll get to train a cheetah?
Or a leopard or a lion?

The odds are low if you’re afraid

But
There’s a cheetah
In my house
Right inside my house

And I’m hiding behind a wall
Peeking around a corner
Right inside my house

She’s looking right at me
She’s holding my gaze
She’s moving her litheness toward me

But my children
Are in this house
Right inside this house

Children
With lions to train

And I’m hiding behind a wall
And she’s looking right at me

If I don’t train her now
She’ll swallow me whole
She may swallow them whole
Right inside my house

But my alarm clock is ringing
It’s time to wake up
I muster the oomph
And I rise

And I see that she’s wandered
That cheetah-cat’s wandered
Leaving all of her nerve and her guise

She’s leapt on the windowsill
Knocked off the cork
Of my bottled-up bliss
Now it’s free

It flows down the sill
And onto the counter
And over my laptop and me

And right in this house
In my very own house
She’s re-leased the cheetah in me.

There’s a spider on her shoulder
And we’re moving together
The Cheetah The Spider and Me.

****

When Anna Quinn, our guest judge for this contest, selected Gloria’s revision for second place, she wrote, “I love this piece. The cheetah metaphor is just wonderful. This is a beautiful, imaginative poem that captures the writer’s desire to take chances, take charge, and the freedom she feels when she does.”

Gloria was delighted with the judge’s response and wrote back, “How exciting to receive this email and Anna’s remarks. Many thanks to you for the succinct coaching and suggestions, which helped my poem take the shape it did. You seemed like my second voice, and it made the revision process a joyful purposeful exercise. It helped me, as writing always does, to ‘state my case with grace.’ I’ll be honored to have my work appear in Writing it Real.”

It is always exciting to know that your writing strikes a chord with readers, especially those who don’t know you and have only your words to go on. Here is what Gloria wrote about the words she used as prompt in her process:

As the mother of teenagers, the parenting honeymoon is over. I often second guess myself, even though parenting is and always will be, my most important vocation. What I discovered in the writing process, is that , like the cheetah, mothering is persistence personified. As my children are growing and developing, so am I. We’re training each other, really, When I opened A Mother’s Book of Secrets, to the quote, it resonated with me, because deep inside, I know who I am. The day before I entered this contest, I had dreamed of the cheetah. The cheetah knows who she is, and she wears those spots with pride. Like the cheetah, and my children, my writing often wanders off in directions I didn’t realize it would go (as this poem most certainly did) but it always teaches me something new.

A Mother’s Book of Secretswas written by a mother-daughter team featuring reflections by the mother and the daughter, who’s now become a mother, on parenting. My husband and I were supposed to see them at a speaking engagement; however, at the last minute, I decided it would be better if one parent remained home with our teenagers. Unexpectedly, a few months later the authors sent the book to me. Funny, I wasn’t second guessing myself that day.