In Lucy Rector Filppu’s journaling classes for parents, men and women gather together to write, cry, laugh, listen, discover, and to learn about themselves and support one another. They arrive in class hoping to find themselves as parents — but they leave with much more. In the last two years, Lucy has inspired over 200 parents in her class Finding Your Voice — A Journaling Workshop for Parents.

As a high school teacher, I’ve seen the benefits of journaling for teenagers, so I was curious to learn more about how journaling can serve parents. In my conversations with Lucy, I learned not only about Lucy’s class, but also the events in her life that lead her to create her course.

Lucy started her career as a professional writer in 1989 after she earned her Masters of Arts in Creative Writing from New York University and stayed in the city to work as a writer. Not long after, her opinion piece on the fall of the Berlin Wall was accepted by the New York Times for their “Voices of the New Generation” column, and the Overseas Press Club sent her to Berlin to interview young people from East and West Germany about the “imminent end to communism.” Soon, she was publishing in Time Magazine, Time for Kids, and Stanford Magazine. In 1996, she moved to the San Francisco Bay Area where she met her husband and founded a popular children’s website, Bonus.com, which offered games, puzzles, comics and other activities.

When her son Arthur was born in 2000, she took a year off from work. During that time, she felt a sense of loss: a loss of identity, of time for herself, of the sense of contributing to a larger community. A defining moment for her was a conversation at a community function:

A well-meaning person asked me about myself. I immediately started telling him about my son, skipping right over any comment or reflection of my own interests. The nice person replied, “but I asked about you.” Me? Who was me?

When Lucy returned to work, the website no longer felt as meaningful. Something was missing, but she wasn’t clear what it was. Then she took a weekend journaling workshop for women:

I had not written in years but felt drawn to this get-away from my other responsibilities. During this workshop I wrote the birth-story of my son from the most intimate, gut-level place of honesty. The support from the room was palpable. I realized that writing and sharing about my experiences was healing. I knew I needed to continue.

After the workshop, she journaled regularly and rediscovered “writing as a fundamental way to gain insight, create community and access one’s varied voices and choices.” As her sense of self solidified, she wanted to share what she had learned. “As I found me I started to think how other parents might benefit from journaling to find themselves again.”

 In 2006, Lucy piloted her first journaling workshops for parents at a local church and then expanded to courses at the Palo Alto Adult School. Over 200 parents have attended her workshops, equal numbers of mothers and fathers.

I asked Lucy why parents, who she says “are probably some of the busiest people on the planet,” should consider keeping a journal. What benefits make it worth the effort? Lucy replied:

Finding time to reflect, rebalance and reenergize does not come easily to many parents. But this is why writing is so helpful. The answers so often come from inside ourselves, and writing helps us access that inside voice. I tell my journal participants to write about anything, write the day’s list, the stresses, the regrets and resentments. Get it all down. And once this becomes an ingrained habit the journals naturally help parents prioritize so that they actually have more time, not less.

But even Lucy was surprised by the powerful sense of community that developed in her classes and the courage and depth in her students’ writing. Palo Alto is an ambitious and highly educated community, so Lucy was worried that parents would “over think the process” instead of “sharing from an authentic place.” However, Lucy was “delighted to see how open people were willing to be, how ready to try journaling and let themselves feel raw and uncertain.” Lucy says, “I found that most participants jumped right in, willing to forget their PhDs or titles or whatever labels may prevent us from speaking about our vulnerabilities.”

Despite Ph.D.’s and major accomplishments, the majority of attending parents did not consider themselves writers before they entered the class. But Lucy’s structure helped make everyone feel comfortable and successful. Students had plenty of time to think, write privately, share with a partner or in small groups, and–if they felt moved to do so–read to the whole group.” Participants created family mission statements, wrote about their own childhoods, wrote letters to themselves from their children and other exercises that helped them examine vulnerable places.” Members did not offer critique or advice, but instead, listened compassionately and non-judgmentally.

Reluctant writers left the course with a new understanding of writing as a tool of self-discovery: “Many people who complained that they “hate to write” left feeling that writing is not the enemy, that it can indeed be the friend who gently takes you to new places.” An attorney who had come to view writing only as a tool to draft emails and legal documents began to write in her journal every morning. “The workshop had made her want to write again because she saw writing as a tool, not a product.”

But more than discovering themselves as writers, the participants began to reveal long-hidden parts of themselves. Slowly, the parents began to share their fears, sorrows, hopes and discoveries with each other. I asked Lucy to share some of the most poignant moments.

In one workshop a woman shared aloud from her journal about her struggle to become pregnant with a second child. We have all heard stories about infertility, read the news reports or talked with friends, but in this moment of hearing one woman read her own story, a world of grief and frustration was made personal. The room was perfectly silent except for her voice. It was a beautiful moment of compassion, community and healing (and plenty of tears).

Lucy says, “I had suspected that journaling would force people to access and look at themselves at a deeper level. But I was surprised by how intimate the experience was for a lot of parents.”

Although Lucy doesn’t believe that journaling can take the place of work with a licensed therapist, she finds the practice often yields meaningful, transformative discoveries. One man, a new father of twin daughters discovered through journaling how “his strained and estranged relationship with his own father was affecting his view of parenting” and making it difficult for him to be a “hand’s on” dad. “He had no role modeling for that type of intimacy. But through journaling and sharing his story, he was forging his own path to parenting.”

Writing about parenting inevitably led the participants to examine many layers of their lives. “Facing parenting issues helps one clarify one’s own morals, values, fears, dreams.” This helps reestablish a more solid sense of self. “The self is formed by one’s convictions; parenting clarifies a person’s convictions at a deep level.”

Participants found the workshop so helpful that many enrolled more than once or continued with their group after the class was over. One parent, Terry, who has been meeting with a parent journaling group for two years, shares why the experience has been so meaningful to her:

Our parent journaling group is comprised of the most committed people I have ever met in my life. We are people committed to being the kind of human beings who are, in the face of all our own stuff, all the school/playground stuff, all society’s stuff, in all the circumstances life sends our way, a stand for each other for being whole, complete and perfect as parents and as people. And a stand for each of us having the experience of being loved and respected for who we are and who we are not.

When I wondered about parents who don’t have access to a workshop, Lucy told me she doesn’t believe a class is necessary for journaling to work its magic.

I think all one really needs is pen, paper and 10 minutes of quiet time each morning to get started journaling. Classes can be wonderful ways to commune and support each other, but they are hardly necessary for the benefits of journaling. Instead I suggest that parents get up 10 minutes earlier, start a journal and read some inspirational books on the benefits of writing from Natalie Goldberg, Dorthea Brande and others. Also read poets such as Louise Gluck who has written some stunning pieces on parenting (see First Snow in a recent New Yorker article).

Her favorite journaling exercises include writing a letter you will never send to one of your children and writing specific memories from your own childhood. “What did your kitchen smell like? How did it feel to be held by your mother or other caregiver? What was the scene on your school playground?” Lucy explains, “By tapping into their own memories from childhood, parents view their children and themselves with more compassion and insight.”

Lucy started her courses to give a gift to the parent community, but she found the courses also enriched her life:

Journaling has helped me stop spinning and refocus on what matters to me as a parent and a person. When I am particularly angry or impatient, I find journaling first helps relieve the feelings before I take them directly to my children (or to the spouse!). So it’s made me more compassionate, hopefully! It’s also brought me into contact with other parents in a way I never expected. I have a community of people who know my “insides” as a parent…not just the outsides of activities, status, etc. I am forever grateful to my parent journaling partners. We have a unique bond.

Also, recently, through her journaling and discussions, Lucy realized she was ready for a career change: “I re-discovered that writing and the language arts are my passion.” She decided to become a high school English teacher and is in the middle of her credentialing program. She plans to use journaling in the classroom to “help students connect with themselves and the world.”

She is not offering her class while she is in school, but she doesn’t plan to give up her journaling workshops. Eventually, she would like to expand her audience:

I would like to lead more reflective journaling workshops for teenagers as an antidote to the MySpace, “out-there” culture we live in. I would also like to eventually lead intergenerational journaling workshops with mothers/daughter, grandparents, coaches/teams, etc.

Lucy’s life is moving in new directions, and she feels the journaling workshops were a catalyst for her own change: she discovered her passion for providing a creative, welcoming space for people to write and share their experiences and decided that’s what she wanted to do as her full time work. “The parent journaling workshops reconfirmed my belief that all people have stories to tell.” And in the process, we become more fully human. “By accessing those stories and trying to make sense of them, we become fuller participants in this living journey.”

Today Lucy writes parenting columns for Education.com and the Palo Alto Weekly. She currently blogs for the Silicon Valley Mom’s Blog and shares her ideas for journal keeping at http://www.journalon.com/.

Here are books and resources Lucy uses in her course (in the order she gave them):

Gibran, Kahlil. The Prophet.Alfred A Knopf, 1923
Coontz, Stephanie. The Way We Really Are Coming to Terms With America’s Changing Families. New York, NY: Perseus Books Group, 1997.
Doherty, William. The Intentional Family: How to Build Family Ties in Our Modern World. Reading, MA: Addison-Wesley, 1997.
Garland, Diana R. Family Ministry: A Comprehensive Guide. Downers Grove, IL: InterVarsity Press, 1999.
Hewlett, Sylvia Ann and Cornel West. The War Against Parents. Boston, MA: Houghton Mifflin Co., 1998.
Kabat-Zinn, Myla and Jon. Everyday Blessings: The Inner Work of Mindful Parenting. New York, NY: Hyperion, 1998.
Mathias, Barbara and Mary Ann French. 40 Ways to Raise a Nonracist Child. New York, NY: HarperCollins: 1996.
McGinnis, Kathleen and James. Parenting for Peace and Justice: Ten Years Later. New York, NY: Orbis Books, 1999.
Pipher, Mary, The Shelter of Each Other: Rebuilding our Families. Random House, 1996.
Fitzpatrick, Jean Grasson. Small Wonder: How to Answer Your Child’s Impossible Questions About Life. Penguin Books, 1995.
Moses, Jeffrey. Oneness: Great Principles Shared by All Religions. Ballantine
Books, 2002.
Cox, Meg. The New Book of Family Traditions. How to Create Great Rituals for Holidays and Everyday. Running Press, 2003.
Boyer, Ernest, Jr. Finding God at Home. Harper and Row. 1984.
Coles, Robert. The Spiritual Life of Children. Houghton Mifflin, 1990.
Moore, Thomas. Care of the Soul. HarperCollins,1992.
Bombeck, Erma Forever, Erma. Andrews McMeel Publishing, 1996
Capacchione, The Creative Journal for Parents. Shambhala Publications, 2000
Cameron, Julia. The Artist’s Way. G.P. Putnam’s Sons, 1992.
Goldberg, Natalie. Writing Down to the Bones. Shambhala Publications, 1986.
Kohn, Alfie. Punished By Rewards, Mariner Books, 1999.
Lamott, Anne. Operating Instructions. Random House, 1993.
Lamott, Anne. Bird by Bird. Bantam Doubleday, 1994.
Lazear, Jonathon and Wendy. Meditations for Parents Who Do Too Much. Fireside/Parkside, 1993.
Martin, William. The Parent’s Tao Te Ching. Avalon, 1999.
Morrow Lindbergh, Anne. Gift from the Sea. Pantheon Books. 1955.

UUA Recommended Parenting Resources:

http://www.uua.org/members/families/20091.shtml
Parent’s Place: www.parentsplaceonline.org
Parents Club of Palo Alto and Menlo Park: www.pampclub.org.
Hand-in-Hand Parents Leadership Institute: http://www.handinhandparenting.org/index.html
National Parenting Association: http://www.parentsunite.org/http://www.parentsunite.org/
Children’s Health Council: www.chconline.org/
Playful Parenting: http://www.playfulparenting.com/
Parents Helping Parents: http://www.php.com
All Kinds of Minds: http://www.allkindsofminds.org