“Walking to School” by Nancy Kane
“Walking to School” is an essay that is very close to being completely satisfying. I want to share the essay and the comments I sent Nancy in our recent No-Contest Contest to provide the experience of workshopping an essay using the three-step response method I advocate. I believe that as we become skilled at offering other writers our responses to their essays, we become skilled at seeing into our own writing and knowing where to go in revision. Instead of feeling like we don’t know what to do next, we begin to see the opportunities the essay offers us as writers that we haven’t yet taken up.
In the three-step response method, I give the writer back the words and phrases that stuck with me and the writer hears the sound of her voice. Then I talk about the feelings I have that I think are in keeping with the writing so the writer knows that the essay is accomplishing its task; next I share the feelings that arise from the work that are keeping me from fully appreciating it so the author can locate places she hasn’t fully fulfilled her contract with the reader. Finally, I talk about where I am curious to know more so the writer gets a sense of what she might have inadvertently skipped over or thought the reader might not be interested. Armed with responses, the writer can hit the page running in revision and rarely falters.
As you read through “Walking to School,” think about the words and phrases that particularly strike you and stay with you. Think about the feelings that arise in you as you read. Some of these are feelings you think the essay wants you to have. Others are feelings that come because something might have been left out of the essay. Think also about where you wish the essayist had told you more.
After you read the essay, you will see my responses. I think it will be interesting for you to note where my responses are the same as yours and where they are different.
In a workshop, the author takes all of the response home and decides how to rewrite.
Walking to School
by Nancy Kane
Once again my nine-year-old son Nicholas dawdled until he had to rush to get ready for school. Nicholas shoveled down his breakfast, raced to the bathroom and quickly brushed his teeth. He grabbed his backpack, stuffed in his lunch and homework while I watched the clock. Car keys in hand, I waited, as he stopped to pet the cats. “We need to leave NOW!”
We dashed into the car, sped to school, only to park blocks away because of the traffic jam. Together, we ran, dodging double-parked mini-vans and SUV’s. Out of breath, we reached the campus as the last bell rang. He rushed into the classroom, and I realized we hadn’t said good-bye, again.
On the way back to my car I saw parents tossing backpacks to their kids, all the while yelling at them to move it.
It was almost comical in a distressing sort of way.
Watching the frantic scene at school, I made up my mind to try something different. With the price of gas so outrageous now, maybe we should walk to school. It would take some planning, but it was worth a try to slow down.
When I picked Nicholas up at school later that afternoon and suggested walking to school, he shook his head. “It’s too far!”
“I walked to school everyday.”
“You lived two blocks from school.” Naturally, he would remember that.
Still, even though school is a mile away, I convinced him to give it a try.
I also reminded him that we would make less of an impact on the environment by walking and not using gas.
For us, in order to slow down we had to get up earlier. Grumpy at first, Nicholas’ attitude improved with a hot breakfast. We left in plenty of time for what should be a twenty-minute walk.
After two blocks Nicholas groaned, “My backpack’s too heavy. I’m thirsty.” I handed him a water bottle, and he drank as if he had just run a marathon. When he was ready, we moved on and I noticed, even as he complained, he kept pace with me.
As we continued walking we saw neighbors leaving for work, and they waved. Nicholas stopped every block or two to pet the neighborhood cats. A few blocks later he dropped to his knees.
“Look, Mom, a roly-poly. Can I bring it to school?”
“We don’t have anything to put it in.”
“Next time,” Nicholas said, “we’ll bring a container!”
Smiling, I checked my pedometer. “1,200 steps.”
“Please, Mom, can I wear it? ” I surrendered my pedometer. Proud, Nicholas clipped it to his pants, happy to have a new electronic device.
Crossing a major intersection, Nicholas reached for my hand and didn’t let go. Two blocks from school, we heard honks from the backed up cars looking for spots. He saw his friends waving from their cars. “Cool,” he said, waving back.
At the classroom door, the kids buzzed around Nicholas. “We saw you! Did you really walk all the way to school?” “Yes,” Nicholas answered. “We walked 2,673 steps!” He unclipped the pedometer and offered it as proof as his classmates crowded around him, the way they normally would if he had a GameBoy!
I kissed Nicholas good-bye at the door and noticed that for once he looked fresh, alert and ready for the day.
“Bye, Mom. Have a good day.”
I watched Nicholas walk into the classroom with confidence.
Several parents came over to me asking how I’d convinced Nicholas to walk to school. I explained my frustration with rushing. They admitted it had become their standard school-day procedure. They complained of video games dominating their kid’s lives; griped about school budget cutbacks and how so many schools have gotten rid of PE. All of these statements are true, but none of the parents had ever thought of walking to school, even though they’d walked to school when they were kids. But they really listened when I talked about saving money by using less gas-the more we walked to school the less I would see the $75.00 fill-up at the gas station. Some of them were already making plans to walk to school.
I walked home and worked for the rest of the day.
At three o’clock, I picked up Nicholas. Tired from his day, he wanted a snack and a drink. Luckily, I had packed both. After some minor grumbling, he picked up the pace and to my surprise started chatting. Usually when I ask him how his day is his standard reply is “good.” Like most kids, he saves his confidences for bedtime. But that afternoon, he was unusually talkative. He told me all about his day: who he ate lunch with, who got into trouble, and who forgot their homework. Walking slowed down the hectic pace of school life and gave us a chance to talk. When kids talk, it feels great to listen without multi-tasking.
At bedtime Nicholas asked if we could try biking to school. Of course, I agreed. In fact, I went straight to the garage and put air in the tires. It may not work daily to walk or bike to school with my job, but when it does work it makes the day better. And the best part is, it has spilled over into our family life on the weekends: we do more activities together and tend to walk to the store instead of driving when we can. Where we used to rush before we’ve now learned to slow down and it has become a great habit for the family. And we sure spend a lot less money at the gas station.
****
Here are my responses:
Step 1: My Velcro Words (the words and phrases from the essay that especially strike me)
- Nicholas shoveled down his breakfast
- grabbed his backpack, stuffed in his lunch and homework
- “You lived two blocks from school.” Naturally, he would remember that.
- “My backpack’s too heavy. I’m thirsty.”
- dodging double-parked mini-vans and SUV’s
- a roly-poly
- “We don’t have anything to put it in.”
- “Next time,” Nicholas said, “we’ll bring a container!”
- checked my pedometer. “1,200 steps.”
- Nicholas clipped it to his pants, happy to have a new electronic device.
- backed up cars looking for spots
- “We walked 2,673 steps!”
- unclipped the pedometer and offered it as proof as his classmates crowded around him
- At bedtime Nicholas asked if we could try biking to school
- spilled over into our family life on the weekends: we do more activities together and tend to walk to the store instead of driving when we can
Step 2: Feelings that I got from the essay
A) I enjoyed reading Nancy Kane’s essay about the benefits of ditching the car and enjoying more time with her young son. I feel that Nancy’s point is worthwhile and I enjoy the glimpse I get into today’s dropping off at school scene. She has used her personal experience to try to persuade others and because of that, I feel engaged, not lectured to.
B) Because gas prices fluctuate and have gone down since their all time high of last winter, I am wanting the essay to unhook its argument from the high price of gas. Although it is a good point the author makes about her new behavior leading to burning less fossil fuel, this dates the essay. The idea of reducing carbon footprints as a lesson to our kids and the resulting improved health and family time seem like stronger and more timeless motivations. Below, I have also marked some of the comments I inserted into the essay as Feelings B to detail further where I felt there were opportunities not yet taken.
Step 3: Curiosity
I have inserted my curiosity comments below as well to show where as a reader I wanted to know more.
****
WALKING TO SCHOOL
by Nancy Kane
Once again my nine-year-old son Nicholas dawdled until he had to rush to get ready for school. Nicholas shoveled down his breakfast, raced to the bathroom and quickly brushed his teeth. He grabbed his backpack, stuffed in his lunch and homework while I watched the clock. Car keys in hand, I waited, as he stopped to pet the cats. “We need to leave NOW!”
We dashed into the car, sped to school, only to park blocks away because of the traffic jam. Together, we ran, dodging double-parked mini-vans and SUV’s. Out of breath, we reached the campus as the last bell rang. He rushed into the classroom, and I realized we hadn’t said good-bye, again.
On the way back to my car I saw parents tossing backpacks to their kids, all the while yelling at them to move it.
It was almost comical in a distressing sort of way. [SB1]
Watching the frantic scene at school, I made up my mind to try something different. With the price of gas so outrageous now[SB2], maybe we should walk to school. [SB3]It would take some planning, but it was worth a try to slow down.
When I picked Nicholas up at school later that afternoon and suggested walking to school, he shook his head. “It’s too far!”
“I walked to school everyday.”
“You lived two blocks from school.” Naturally, he would remember that.
Still, even though school is a mile away, I convinced him to give it a try.
I also reminded him that we would make less of an impact on the environment by walking and not using gas.[SB4]
For us, [SB5]in order to slow down we had to get up earlier. Grumpy at first, Nicholas’ attitude improved with a hot breakfast. We left in plenty of time for what should be a twenty-minute walk.[SB6]
After two blocks Nicholas groaned, “My backpack’s too heavy. I’m thirsty.” I handed him a water bottle, and he drank as if he had just run a marathon. When he was ready, we moved on and I noticed, even as he complained, he kept pace with me.
As we continued walking we saw neighbors leaving for work, and they waved. Nicholas stopped every block or two to pet the neighborhood cats. A few blocks later he dropped to his knees.
“Look, Mom, a roly-poly. Can I bring it to school?”
“We don’t have anything to put it in.”[SB7]
“Next time,” Nicholas said, “we’ll bring a container!”
Smiling, I checked my pedometer. “1,200 steps.” [SB8]
“Please, Mom, can I wear it? ” I surrendered my pedometer. Proud, Nicholas clipped it to his pants, happy to have a new electronic device.
Crossing a major intersection, Nicholas reached for my hand and didn’t let go. [SB9]Two blocks from school, we heard honks from the backed up cars looking for spots. He saw his friends waving from their cars. “Cool,” he said, waving back.
At the classroom door, the kids buzzed around Nicholas. “We saw you! Did you really walk all the way to school?” “Yes,” Nicholas answered. “We walked 2,673 steps!” He unclipped the pedometer and offered it as proof as his classmates crowded around him, the way they normally would if he had a GameBoy!
I kissed Nicholas good-bye at the door and noticed that for once he looked fresh, alert and ready for the day.
“Bye, Mom. Have a good day.”
I watched Nicholas walk into the classroom with confidence.
Several parents came over to me asking how I’d convinced Nicholas to walk to school. I explained my frustration with rushing. They admitted it had become their standard school-day procedure. They complained of video games dominating their kid’s lives; griped about school budget cutbacks and how so many schools have gotten rid of PE. All of these statements are true, but none of the parents had ever thought of walking to school, even though they’d walked to school when they were kids. [SB10]But they really listened when I talked about saving money by using less gas-the more we walked to school the less I would see the $75.00 fill-up at the gas station.[SB11] Some of them were already making plans to walk to school.
I walked home and worked for the rest of the day. [SB12]
At three o’clock, I picked up Nicholas. Tired from his day, he wanted a snack and a drink. Luckily, I had packed both. After some minor grumbling, he picked up the pace and to my surprise started chatting. Usually when I ask him how his day is his standard reply is “good.” Like most kids, he saves his confidences for bedtime. [SB13] But that afternoon, he was unusually talkative. He told me all about his day: who he ate lunch with, who got into trouble, and who forgot their homework. Walking slowed down the hectic pace of school life and gave us a chance to talk. When kids talk, it feels great to listen without multi-tasking.[SB14]
At bedtime Nicholas asked if we could try biking to school. Of course, I agreed. In fact, I went straight to the garage and put air in the tires. It may not work daily to walk or bike to school with my job, [SB15]but when it does work it makes the day better. [SB16]And the best part is, it has spilled over into our family life on the weekends: we do more activities together and tend to walk to the store instead of driving when we can. Where we used to rush before we’ve now learned to slow down and it has become a great habit for the family. And we sure spend a lot less money at the gas station.[SB17]
****
It seems to me that with another pass, this essay will feel fully satisfying to readers and allow them to be present with the speaker as she offers her son and herself a new way of opening the day. By fully experiencing the speaker’s life experience, readers begin to re-experience their own and think of ways they might re-introduce more interpersonal time and time to observe the world more closely.
[SB1]Feelings B:
I feel very much in the scenes you draw until here. I don’t know that as reader I quite get “comical in a distressing sort of way.” I feel like the speaker has left me out of seeing more so I can make that assessment myself without being told.
Curiosity:
What are parents and kids actually saying? How do the kids look? What is making this funny but distressing? What would a movie director do with this scene?
[SB2]Feelings B:
Because gas prices fluctuate, I’m thinking that this one phrase limits the point. It might be good to say something like “As an overweight nation” or “As a nation of couch potatoes” or something that helps us connect with how we have forgotten how healthful exercise and connection to the outdoors reduces stress and franticness by restoring us.
[SB3]Feelings B: I feel left out of making the connection between the frantic scene at school and the idea of walking. I feel interrupted by the phrase about high gas prices. It would be great to have one more sentence in here, a sentence that connects the long walk /run they took from the car that morning to the idea of realizing they could perhaps just start out by foot each time.
[SB4]Curiosity: What is Nicholas studying that this would have meaning to him? It would be nice to insert something about what he is bringing home from school on the environment.
[SB5]Curiosity:
Wouldn’t it take more time to walk than drive for anyone, not just this speaker and her son?
Feelings B: In this context, I don’t understand the phrase “For us.”
[SB6]Curiosity: How much time more was plenty of time?
[SB7]Feelings B/Curiosity: I realize I don’t know what a roly-ploy is. I would like to know.
[SB8]Feelings B: I feel short-changed here. It seems like this is a good point at which to add what had been accomplished in those 1,200 steps that made this walk so rewarding.
[SB9]Curiosity: How does this gesture of holding the speaker’s hand illustrate something about the value of walking–the pleasure she had holding hands? I’d like a little bit more here.
[SB10]Feelings B:
There is a lot of ground covered here and I start to consider some things that I wish the author was considering with me.
The parents think they have to convince their children to walk to school when they are the ones in charge of driving and getting there.
It is also however about how they must take their kids to school whereas they walked themselves as children. Also, not everyone can return home via walking and still make it to work on time.
I am glad they listened when they saw a way to relieve their pocket-books, but as a reader I wonder how they’ll solve other problems like how to get to work if they have to leave enough time to walk home and get their cars.
I am feeling that the “solution” of walking to school might be made to better fit everyone if possible and start wondering what would make that possible. Perhaps it is at least walking part of the way and alleviating the congestion at the school’s entrance.
[SB11]Feelings B: Since gas prices have come down, this dates the piece a little, at least for now.
[SB12]Feelings B: I am surprised that the speaker didn’t tell me sooner that she can work from home and so taking a walk back and forth in the morning would be a good way for her to start the day too.
[SB13]Feelings B: I am not sure that most kids to save their confidences for bedtime. Could it be enough that he usually does and didn’t this day without invoking most kids?
[SB14]Curiosity: There’s an opportunity here for the speaker to say what she delights in from listening well.
[SB15]Feelings B: I’d like to know this earlier–I got the idea that the speaker works from home and could easily do this every day so now I am confused about why she can’t do this every day.
[SB16]Feelings B: Even though we have several details about how the day is better, it might be more effective to put another word in here rather than an editorializing word like “better.”
[SB17]Feelings B: I like learning about the spill over to the weekends. I miss having some physical fitness benefits mentioned throughout and then commenting on them –weight lost for the speaker, strength building and stamina for the son, for instance–would help to sow up the end. By the end, it is not money saved on gas that I am thinking about–it’s more that I am thinking about the stress level in the household having gone down and the family life having become closer. So, as reader I’d like the end to remind me of the beginning and how far the family has come. Perhaps this could be with a scene that shows drop off on days when they can’t walk and they are talking about how they will for sure the next day.