When asked to write a eulogy for a family member you cared for, you may find that your memories and those of others who knew the person you are writing about might span a lifetime but with gaps. Thinking of a physical trait you strongly associate with the person who has died and opening the eulogy with it can be very effective. From there you will find a way to seamlessly associate from this trait to your memories of the person and to the memories others have told you about. Every time you repeat the line that contains the trait you’ve selected, you will be able to move your your essay forward.

My Uncle Norman was a tall man and he had a wonderful smile. When I was a little girl, he came on weekend mornings from Manhattan to visit us in our new NJ suburban development. He’d ring the doorbell and as soon as we opened the door, his smile, his laughter, his hello-hello-hello spilled into the room. Norman loved gatherings and a person could feel his pleasure being in company. I loved to listen to him talk and laugh, even kvetch in his expressive, entertaining way.

My cousin Brenda and my uncle shared a secret voyeurism. They’d eye a particular passerby or someone in a restaurant and say to each other with a sparkle in their eyes–yes, that one has it, joi de vivre. And what brought out the joi de vivre in Norman’s life was being with his kid sister, Gloria, like the many times they celebrated news of a new boyfriend in Brenda’s life by fantasizing the wedding, planning details down to the color scheme. Norman understood his sister’s hope for her daughter to marry and he understood the pleasure of living a possibility just for the fun of it, sharing hopes as well as silliness with his sister, whom I know was one of his best friends.

Norman’s sense of  belonging operated on other levels, too. He read and knew history and the root causes of current political and social events. He enjoyed the arts and literature and conversing about them. He used his wit and charm even as a boy, cajoling his little sister to do chores for him and favors when they were youngsters. Norman would get hungry late at night and ask Gloria to make him cheese and tomato sandwiches. She remembers watching him eat them happily in his bedroom arranging to pay her a quarter to wash what seemed like a million pair of his socks on the family washboard so he wouldn’t have to do that. My uncle loved being the older brother to Gloria.This spring, Gloria’s son Mark and his wife expect a son. Norman would have loved to hold that baby, to tease Gloria about being a doting grandmother, to have seen Mark be a doting dad.

My uncle was a tall man and he had a tall sense of life. After Norman was diagnosed with the illness that would take his life, he began participating in support groups, learning and practicing attitudinal healing. His new and deepening understanding of true self and forgiveness taught us new lengths and depths of loving.

This Thanksgiving Norman made a trip to Seattle, strenuous for him and, I think he knew, sure to exhaust him. He wanted to be among his brother’s family, which he had not been able to do for many years. He stayed with my husband and me. I miss the morning conversations we had, his boyish grin mornings he came downstairs, not only in his robe and slippers, but with a wool scarf around his neck because coming from a warm climate, he was cold in wet Seattle. I miss hearing the sprinkling of Yiddish he used for fun and meaning in his conversation.

He told me to hurry and get some furniture in my nearly empty living room so next time he came he’d have a place to sit besides the kitchen table, though as a family we always went for the kitchen table no matter how well-furnished the houses. He helped me pick out couches that recent weekend and when they arrive from the warehouse, I will sit down there, pat the cushion next to me and invite my uncle to have a seat. And what I will say to him I know is true for all of us, his mother, his sister, brother, nieces, nephew, grandnephew to come. I will tell him I love him. I will tell him I was not ready to say goodbye when he stood in his leather jacket leaving for the airport ride home. I will say how each of us carry his smile in our hearts, his laughter in our ears, his appreciation of love and support as a lesson all the rest of our days.

***

Try your hand at writing about a deceased relative by beginning with a striking physical trait. See how by returning to that trait when you need to move along in your writing, you can find more and more to include in your description of the person and what she/he meant to others. Recognizing how using particular memories of the person’s humor, actions, and likes as well as how they shared in the lives of others will help you deepen your writing to offer a loving, vivid description.